DailyComments ; Day1 -

-- Day 21- Dec16- 116 lbs -

A Quick Hello Again :)

Okay , so I have to make this short and sweet,
because it is already about 20 after 1, and I need to wake up early
tomo for school..

I decided that I needed to get back on this blog because of many things
that I am not happy with . I need to change, I have been making
serious life changing decisions in the last couple of months,
& I guess it has kind of taken a toll on me, as I have gained weight.
Not weight that I could afford to gain either.

It fucking sucks cause it's like it all just goes to my thighs & ass !
Like wtf ? Is there certain foods I am unaware of that go directly

DOWNWARD?

I just decided it is easiest if I cut back, or just STOP eating.
Possibly cut back at first, but innitially STOP EATING

altogether until I just get to my goal weight.

I need to keep this a secret which is going to be hard now though.

I now live with 4 other people in my house;

My mom, my Grandma (who is visiting for who knows how long),

my older brother and a friend of mine who is now living with me..
Which means I need to keep it a secret from everyone else

except for my girlfriend who is staying with me .

*Ps My girlfriend is JUST a friend, I don`t want anyone to get the wrong idea.

I just call my girls my girlfriends.

Anyways .. Not only that , but .. I need to keep it a secret from my boifriend .

*My actual Love:)
But this won`t be so hard as he lives about 5 hours away from me .

Easy right ?

Well .. Not so sure , he notices EVERYTHING!
& I dunno if it is going to help that I am supposed to go and visit him in 4 days ?
& his family EATS ! & I mean EATS :|

Anyways, I'll come back on tomo to write how my ACTUAL first day goes :)

Ciao for now.

xx

♥

DailyComments ; Day21

-- Day 21- Dec16- 116 lbs - alriight, so im sitting here drinking some tequila rose,
about to have a smoke. I just ate a couple of Gummie Bears,
& I hadnt really eaten all day, all i had was a few chicken wings & a small salad
(cause im at my aunts for a couple of days, & i just love her cooking, and i jsut couldnt pass up
her dinner, so i had a couple.) Other than a few chicken wings, a small salad & my gummie bears, i had a pepporette. so .. i guess i did aaaaalright today . I still feel liek shit .
just because i ate.
Even coming down the stairs after eating those gummie bears, i could feel it already moving
down to my thighs . just GREAT .
Cause thats what i really need 8-) Naaat .
Im at my aunts now , (the one that gives me a bunch of tips -- not purposely but that i pick up
while talking to her) and im staying here for a couple of days .
So .. im hoping a can lose a COUPLE of pounds.
She has tonnnnes of water bottles, so im hoping that i can just continue to chug
water back while im here rather then to eat .
I love coming up here, cause nobody bugs me about how much i eat.
You can just eat whenever your hungry , and everyone is just so busy,
they dont have time to monitor when everyone else is eating or not eating.
Basically if yoru hungry and want an actual meal, speak up and it will be made.
Otherwise you fend for yourself and go for the cupboards, fridge or cold cellar and eat whatever
your little heart desires.
Im gonna go have a smoke and go to bed now though.
Ill write another post in the morning.

MuchLove.
♥
-xxx

DailyComments ; Day20

-- Day 20- Dec15- 116 lbs -
already day 20 i cant believe it !
& ive only lost 3 pounds. its like a cycle.
I lose and lose and lose, then gain and gain and gain, then lose and lose and lose.
It just repeats itself. I need to step my game plan up here !
I weighed myself last night & realized i was up to 118 lbs again !
After getting into a fight with my brother & mom yesterday,
finding out a new boi that i have began crushing over,
(who i told last night) doesnt feel the same way about me,
& my cell minutes gone as of last night. I .. began to have one of my break downs.
You see.. I have these about once a year.
It's strange;
I don't feel myself. I feel like I have become someone else.
I don't have a boi in my life. I feel like my friends aren't really there for me.
&just everything is going wrong.
Every year at this time; Which can be any time throughout the year.
I get all strange with people.
I begin to get snappy and just begin to argue with everyone !
I don't go out for lunch at school,
& I begin to just go to Guidance or the library at lunch instead,
so i Don't have to see anyone or speak to anyone,
& I just finish my homework or work i need to catch up on.
I also begin to stay up EXTREMELY late. Usually every night.
&.. worst of all. I just cry & cry & cry .
I feel so alone.

Last night after my entire bad day,
& not feeling like i want to come home.
I finally came home at about 53O,
stoned out of my mind.
The night before I had been drinking with an ex, a best, & her boi.
I hadn't gone home that night,
&I stayed out at my bests house.
Then went directly back to my ex's so i could get my phone
Cause i left it there from the night before.
I was yelling at my mom and brother on the phone while i was
at his house. & i felt so bad.
I ended up running up to his room, curled up into a ball on the side of the bed
while having a smoke & crying.
He came upstairs after awhile & asked if i was alright,
i told him my fams were idiots.
& he said its fine, lets just smoke a couple bowls,
before i go home. At least that way then i wouldn't really care if i was getting yelled at.

So I came home, and after awhile because i was just so burnt out and not feeling well
&just tired from the night before,
i passed out.
I haven't spoken to my brother since talking to him on the phone.
We have been getting closer and closer since the summer, almost like bests.
But.. Lately it hasn't been going that great .
Just fight after fight after fight.
& i hate it.
I didn't go to bed last night until about 53O,
& i just woke up at 645.

I don't know how today is going to go. It's dress down day today at school.
i think im going to wear my cumfys.
Im not in the mood to dress up.
Since i don't have my cellie i can avoid all my texts for people looking for me.
&Maybe i can try and go a different route to my locker to lose my bests at lunch.

I dont know how well this is going to go.
I still havent talked to one of my main bests , & it has been about three weeks.
thats too long of a story right now.
But, Perhaps I can share with all of you later on when i get home from school .

I have to get ready for school now though , otherwise i wont be able to catch the bus.

A guy that i used to be involved with is coming over toniight.
Since he is going away to the army in less than 3 weeks.

ill write another post hopefully before he comes over.
If not you might have to wait.

GoodLuck to all of you.
Have a terrific day.
Im hoping my break Down will be over soon..

MuchLove.
♥
-xxx

DailyComments ; Day19

-- Day 19- Dec14- 118 lbs -

I'm not starving myself,
I'm perfecting my emptiness.
& No feeling of substance inside myself
Can compater to the feeling of loneliness.

Happy or sad,
Rich or poor,
It's better being thin.
The only freedom left is the freedom to starve,
& time spent wasting
Is not wasted time.
Calories can't make you happy,
& it's the mid that makes the body.
Besides,
Thin is in.

Hunger hurts, but starving works,
& hearts live to be wounded.
Craving is only a feeling
Cause pain is only as real as I want it to be.

Beautiful bones:
I won't stop
Until I see Pure Bones.
I see this as the only way to reach the top.
Goddess of willpower.
Though now I'm so weak,
I'm not weak-minded.
Remember:
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels
Nothing,
Period.

DailyComments ; Day16

-- Day 16 - Dec11 - 116 lbs - So everything i do now, i have been trying to make it like a work out
or a physical activity . Even walking up the stairs i will walk on the edge of the stair on my tippy toes, & flex my calves &thighs when i walk up.. Carrying Laundry i hold the basket higher than i normally would, and my arm muscles naturally flex. Even walking home from school, ill clench my muscles together (stomach&leg muscles) and force my legs to move faster.

Im loving it. I got that tip from my aunt;
Always flex your muscles.
My aunt used to be bulimic. She is still anorexic, maybe not as bad as she was,
because my family tries to make sure she eats. & she has been eating dinner,
or just nibbles at small things, she never eats very much ,
but she will eat something small when she is hungry .

Me and my aunt are EXTREMELY close, the only thing she doesnt really know about me
is this. This entire thing that i want to lose weight, &i don't eat so i can accomplish my goal of 98 lbs.
She already thinks im skinny enough , which ughh , i hate when she tells me that.

But.. we talk all the time, and.. she always tells me about things from her past,
and.. every so often i get yet another tip from her.

Im kind of disappointed in myself that i had gained all that weight back ,
but im getting happier,
Cause.. im losing all that weight again .
Im down to 116 once again . Im hoping by the end of NEXT WEEK (friday)
i will be 11O. Im going to write a post every day again . I had been stopping to put my weight history on because i had gained weight.
and i felt embaressed that i had slipped. I hate it. I know everyone does it.
but i hate when it happens to me.
I see everyone is getting smaller and smaller.
Good for all of you ! Your doing awesome ! I hope you all keep it up !

im going to be on toniight, all night , probably until about 12 or 1.
So .. msg me :)
Ill keep my msn on too .
Don't forget to add me !

MiichelleML@live.com





MuchLove Ladies.
♥
-xxx

DailyComments ; Day14

-- Day 14- Dec9 - 118 lbs - I miss talking to all of you ! Every day i always think about coming on here and writing another post, and writing to all of you and trying to see how you are all doing, if you are reaching your goals or not, but i have just been SO busy !

But here is a little update for everyone :)

I have now gained some of my weight back, i am back up to 118 lbs, buuuut .. i went to the weight room at school yesterday after school. I ended up having 5 guys helping me out by the time i was done, which i always love ;) haha , they were working me hard though ! & i told them i wanted to get muscles fast , and start working out hard core, so they started pushing me like craaaaaazzy ! I loved it though , haha .. what girl wouldn't ?
& although a ate a few things today ..
I had a slice of pizza from the school cafe, i had a whole grain bar at work, an apple, a bowl of fruits (pineapple, grapes, etc..), and two shishkabobs, but.. alriight.. so i gave into a couple of the goodies at work , but i only ate one and ended up throwing almost the entire other one out. so .. i didn't eat TOO much , but i did unfortunately eat a little bit.

What else can i tell you ? mmm..
i didn't end up going to that girls night, i just ended up staying in all night with my brother and chilled with him. which i always LOVE DOING ! & on friday i brought this REALLY cute guy that i have been talking to lately to my best friends boi friends house.
So .. i had a pretty good weekend.

OHH !
BIG NEWS!

--Read this part on if you want to hear read a long boi story--

I was involved with this boi , lets call him ....
Travis .
Me and travis were involved all summer and for a while after, and all in all we were together for a good four months,
things have happened in those 4 months that complicates a few things,
but we ended up splitting up sometime in august, and we got back together a couple weeks later cause i went out west for 2 weeks, and when i got back we missed each other so much .. we HAD to be together !

we weren't ever DATING , but we were seeing each other.
he wanted to be with me after a couple weeks of seeing each other,
& i wanted to give it more time..
but.. he didn't want to .
but.. when it came down to the time when i was ready & wanted to be with HIM,
he didn't want to be. < /3
But there is one thing you have to know about me ..
I DONT DATE !
i have only ever had ONE boifriend in my life, we will call him mike.
Me and mike Dated for 6 months, and he meant the WORLD too me, & i didn't get over him until Travis came along.

I have NEVER said "i love you" to a boi, nor will i ever, & when a boi says
it to me, i FREAK OUT! travis has never said it to me , cause i freaked out on him one time when he was joking around saying "don't worry i still love you" even THAT bothers me, & he knows it. but.. i found out last week that he told my friend in the summer that he loved me ?
Which kind of scares me ! :| Cause any time i hear the word love from a guy, i RUN !

But .. anyways , he ended up not wanting to be with me, like dating, so i tried to give it time, & then after awhile, i was sick of giving it time, & i had finally talked to him & i asked him if i was just wasting my time, or will there ever actually be a chance for us ? & he was like honestly ? I think I want to be single for a bit .
So .. i was like alriight , I tried to do the whole friend thing, & it didn't work out too well , I couldn't handle always hanging out with him & seeing other girls around him & sitting on his lap & flirting with him at parties & stuff, so i told him it hurt to go through all that & he told me he thought it would be better to not hang out for a bit. So .. i ended up deleting him off facebook & Msn , cause it was too hard to see his name all the time when I had started to try & get over him . So .. I stopped talking to him. Which is WEIRD for us . Cause from the beginning of the summer we have been inseparable. We have been together every single day , pretty much any chance we could get. We would always be texting, & talking, & msging each other. Even when he was having a party , he went up stairs while his buddies watched the party & he was on the phone with me. So.. when we aren't talking, its strange. We had not talked for a month now. & Not too long ago .. he msged me an inbox on facebook, & he asked why I had deleted him as a friend off of facebook (I guess he had went to go on my facebook and he couldn't see my profile ). So i told him i thought it would be a good idea cause he had said he thought it would be better not to hang out for a while , & he was like .. i Didn't mean for us not to be friends anymore.
& long story short i ended up telling him that it hurt too much to be "just friends." So .. Now that we are all up to date.

I haven't talked to Travis for about a month now. Last night I text him after thinking about him for days & days, & i said "I miss you." He text me back saying likewise. I was like can we hang out soon pleasE ? he's like asap . im like when are you not busy ? hes like i dunno ?
im like tell me when & where & i'll be there, he's like I dunno I don't really make plans, Miichelle you know that. i was like i know , but with me you do . Im like what are you doing tomo ? Lets hang out before I have to work , hes like alriight.
So .. we FINALLY got to hang out today !
I was SO EXCITED all day ! i was pumped ! & i was in suuuuuch a Good mood all dayy !
& We finally got to hang out, &i was SO happy !
I missed him soooo much ! He's honestly such an important person in my life !
He means so much to me, & i felt lost when we weren't talking . :(
but now we are, & he told me to text him toniight after work , &..
What ended up happening was i tried phoning him but there was no answer,
& he tried texting me but my phone was dead .
& i was going to invite him over to come hang out too ! we were texting each other for about half an hour, &.. im just SO overly ecstatic that we are talking and stuff again . I dunno what's going to go on between us. But.. im just letting things play out, & do their own thing; Not try & think about it too much .

Im just soo happy it's me & Travis back again !
I can't wait to start going to parties & stuff with him again. But everyone is going to start thinking we are back together when we arrive together .

UGHH Dumb .
Whatever. Im Happy. :)

Anyways , sorry ladies, i thought you would like to hear and get all up dated on my one boi situation.
But.. i would love to keep typing but i need to go to bed soooon .
Im tired.
I'm going to try & post another in the morning when i wake up ..
If i have time , either that or hopefully before work tomo .

Anyways ,
GoodLuck Ladies.

MuchLove.
♥
-xxx

DailyComments ; Day9

-- Day 9 - Dec4 - 117 lbs - Okay ladies, so im not going to lie to you.. I feel like I have failed! entirely :|! I feel like a gave in. All I did last night was binge binge binge binge binge ! WTF am i doing ? I feel like all my hard work of not eating and getting smaller and thinner, and all that hard work paying off just went to a complete and total WASTE ! I'm now BACK UP to 117 lbs ! can you believe that ?
like.. are you kidding me?
I was doing soo good ! :|
Im reading all of your blogs, and seeing how much weight you are all losing , you are all so strong, you don't give in, and your getting closer and closer to your goals,
and here I am GAINING my weight back .

So .. ive made a decision..
Tonight if i end up eating at all it doesn't matter.
Today is already fucked up . If i mess it up a little bit more, how much more damage can it really do ?
I'm going to chug a couple of waters back , maybe drink some tea ?
&in the morning im going to load my bag up with water bottles, so i can keep myself drinking throughout the entire day at school. Im going to bring tea bags to school with my thermos and make some tea in the morning&on my lunch. It will keep my stomach warm and not feel so empty .
I don't have to work tomo , which mean i don't have to worry about giving into all the goodies at work.(i work at a place where there is ALWAYS treats around. There are always desserts like ice cream and pie and whip cream on everything, and yogourts &mousse & brownies , UGGGHHH why can i NOT HAVE ALL THAT & NOT GAIN WEIGHT! What a DREAM ! )

but then all i have is the weekend, im going to try and keep myself as busy as i possibly can !
Im going drinking on friday and i have a girls night im going to on saturday .
Maaaaan im sure there are going to be SO many junky things on saturday , & i cant just not eat ?
There going to think something is up ..
or maybe i can just MAKE IT LOOK like I am eating all night ?
ughh mann iunno ?
Maybe i just won't eat and tell them my stomach has just not been agreeing with food all day or something ?

aanyways ladies, i need to get going & do some homework and things .
I have an entire to do list i need to get going on & i haven't even
started & it's getting pretty late .

I think im going to add a tip of the day up tonight .
if not than within the next couple of days ..
So keep your eye out .

I have also created an Msn.
So perhaps I can talk to some of you ?
I don't know how many of you are actually going to add me ..
But I will be online Toniight ..
& even if you don't add me on msn ..
I'll be checking for emails ..:)
Just let me know who you are .
and what your Blog is..
otherwise it may get a little confusing .

Im going to bedd now though ..

GoodLuck to you all.
I hope everyone is getting closer & closer
to their Goals .

MuchLove.
♥
-xxx