DailyComments ; Day20

-- Day 20- Dec15- 116 lbs -
already day 20 i cant believe it !
& ive only lost 3 pounds. its like a cycle.
I lose and lose and lose, then gain and gain and gain, then lose and lose and lose.
It just repeats itself. I need to step my game plan up here !
I weighed myself last night & realized i was up to 118 lbs again !
After getting into a fight with my brother & mom yesterday,
finding out a new boi that i have began crushing over,
(who i told last night) doesnt feel the same way about me,
& my cell minutes gone as of last night. I .. began to have one of my break downs.
You see.. I have these about once a year.
It's strange;
I don't feel myself. I feel like I have become someone else.
I don't have a boi in my life. I feel like my friends aren't really there for me.
&just everything is going wrong.
Every year at this time; Which can be any time throughout the year.
I get all strange with people.
I begin to get snappy and just begin to argue with everyone !
I don't go out for lunch at school,
& I begin to just go to Guidance or the library at lunch instead,
so i Don't have to see anyone or speak to anyone,
& I just finish my homework or work i need to catch up on.
I also begin to stay up EXTREMELY late. Usually every night.
&.. worst of all. I just cry & cry & cry .
I feel so alone.

Last night after my entire bad day,
& not feeling like i want to come home.
I finally came home at about 53O,
stoned out of my mind.
The night before I had been drinking with an ex, a best, & her boi.
I hadn't gone home that night,
&I stayed out at my bests house.
Then went directly back to my ex's so i could get my phone
Cause i left it there from the night before.
I was yelling at my mom and brother on the phone while i was
at his house. & i felt so bad.
I ended up running up to his room, curled up into a ball on the side of the bed
while having a smoke & crying.
He came upstairs after awhile & asked if i was alright,
i told him my fams were idiots.
& he said its fine, lets just smoke a couple bowls,
before i go home. At least that way then i wouldn't really care if i was getting yelled at.

So I came home, and after awhile because i was just so burnt out and not feeling well
&just tired from the night before,
i passed out.
I haven't spoken to my brother since talking to him on the phone.
We have been getting closer and closer since the summer, almost like bests.
But.. Lately it hasn't been going that great .
Just fight after fight after fight.
& i hate it.
I didn't go to bed last night until about 53O,
& i just woke up at 645.

I don't know how today is going to go. It's dress down day today at school.
i think im going to wear my cumfys.
Im not in the mood to dress up.
Since i don't have my cellie i can avoid all my texts for people looking for me.
&Maybe i can try and go a different route to my locker to lose my bests at lunch.

I dont know how well this is going to go.
I still havent talked to one of my main bests , & it has been about three weeks.
thats too long of a story right now.
But, Perhaps I can share with all of you later on when i get home from school .

I have to get ready for school now though , otherwise i wont be able to catch the bus.

A guy that i used to be involved with is coming over toniight.
Since he is going away to the army in less than 3 weeks.

ill write another post hopefully before he comes over.
If not you might have to wait.

GoodLuck to all of you.
Have a terrific day.
Im hoping my break Down will be over soon..

MuchLove.
♥
-xxx